In general dads and moms in the tech world are so lucky. Our parental benefits in the aggregate are way better than most. At my last company we had 3 months of paternity. That’s more than my wife received. The problem is the problem in the majority of my life. Guilt.

Kid #1

For my first born I took off a week of work originally and then went back to work thinking my wife and I would stagger our leave. As we searched for childcare options we found a nanny share with another neighbor down the street. During peak COVID time this was the dream scenario. The catch is that the nanny was going to start before my wifes leave was up and before I scheduled to take my leave. So what did I do? I didn’t take my leave.

Why didn’t I take my leave? I just couldn’t in good conscience take it when I knew I wouldn’t really be helping around the house. At work we had project deadlines, launches, and a really tough on-call that was plaguing us. I’d be subjecting others to while I sit around and watch the nanny? Maybe read a book? I just couldn’t do it. I still to this day can’t quite reconcile it. Should I have taken the time off? maybe just a month and not the 2.75 months I was owed? What would I have even done with that month and would I have felt good about it? The calculus in my head at the time is that no I couldn’t. Even now that I’ve left that company, not too far after all of this, could I actually pull the trigger and take it? probably not. Guilt.

Kid #2

Now I’m at a startup (Rockset) and had another kid. My guilt is even higher here. The last company I was at was a 10k+ employee company, I was just a small cog in the machine and I still felt I couldn’t take time off. Now we’re a considerably smaller team and I’ve felt my impact throughout the company. My perks are somehow even better. I get 4 months of paternity… what a world. I took 2 weeks off initially after the birth doubling my initial time off last time and am currently taking 2.5 months off. My wife and I did the stagger game again, once my wifes leave ended I took mine.

I waffled back and forth on how much to take. While doing that I was assured that if I didn’t take any time off they were just going to revoke my access. Had a few talks with my boss and peers again feeling like I was letting folks down by taking too much time off and landed on 2.5 months. Why not just take the 3.5? Probably some guilt, probably some sanity. At a startup things move so quickly. I was afraid greater than 3 months the whole product might have changed (it might considerably in 2.5 months too) and was afraid of losing context. I’m afraid of losing context even now, but am doing my best to stay away.

I still have 1 month of paternity banked, which I can use any time in the next year. I hope I can get over it and use it. Secretly I hope the same threat is made to get rid of my access if I don’t.